Today I have a real treat for you, a book I found to be ABSOLUTELY hilarious! It's a collection of real life stories that will have you thinking, "How the hell does so many weird things happen to one person?"
Life is a Roller Derby Run by a Sphinx
Some people refurbish classic cars, others make quaint quilts, and a few still gather together to play Dungeons and Dragons in basements.
Author Allison Hawn doesn’t have time for these pursuits. Instead, she spends her days dodging every weird, dangerous and surreal happening that the universe can fling in her direction. Follow Allison on her “bizarre magnet” life as she narrowly escapes the clutches of a giant territorial raccoon, barely avoids death by “burrito bomb” and pulls off the chocolate heist of the century. Find a hilarious escape from your reality by stepping into hers.
My Review: 5 Stars
OH MY GOD!! I haven't laughed this hard since the last time I read Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy or Terry Pratchett. Who knew non-fiction stories could be so hilarious.
With every new story, I found myself wondering what the author had done in a former life to deserve so much random weirdness around her. I blasted through this entire book in one sitting—and was incredibly sad to reach the end of the collection of stories. SO MUCH FUN!
Here's a Taste:
Some children are lovely little gifts from heaven. Other kids are more like trials sent to test parents’ perseverance, cunning and ability to get crayon off of a variety of surfaces.
I was more of the latter; I pretended to be a dinosaur during church, thought I was a Power Ranger and World Wrestling Federation wrestler all rolled into one (that poor furniture) and built very elaborate spaceships from everyday items and sometimes essential machine parts.
Not only was I handful, I was a rather clever one. I had learned to read at an early age and by the time I turned four I already had most of the Nancy Drew
, The Boxcar Children
and The Hardy Boys
under my literary belt. Add in the fact that I watched as many episodes of Murder, She Wrote
as I could find, and I was a regular criminal mastermind in the making. I gobbled up mystery stories faster than the newest Lone Ranger
movie bombed and was forgotten.
Of course, with my rambunctious little brain, I began to wonder if I could pull of a caper that not even Nancy Drew or Jessica Fletcher could solve!
I plotted, I planned, I drew schematics, I built models of vaults and banks out of Legos.
Now keep in mind, at four years old you really don’t have to have an exact goal in mind. I wasn’t out to steal the Hope Diamond or ransack a museum for priceless art. I was just plotting crime in general.
My parents, knowing I lacked the income and resources to pull off a liquor store robbery, much less a fantastical heist, weren’t too concerned about my little ‘flights of fancy’ into the heinous world of crime.
I knew that my plans could succeed, as a Brain without a Pinky could, if only I had a goal to focus them on.
Then came the day my mother made her wonderfully delicious peanut-butter-chocolate-chip cookies. These cookies are melt-in-your-mouth good. If we could give these cookies out to every world leader simultaneously, there would be World Peace, because it’s impossible to feel aggressive or angry while eating one.
She baked an entire batch in the afternoon, and I had been granted one cookie. The rest, she informed me, would have to wait until after dinner. I tried to reason with her, dinner was a full two hours away. My pleas went unanswered. I watched sorrowfully as my mom put every remaining cookie into the giant strawberry shaped cookie jar far back on the kitchen counter and wandered off to do something else.
I stood in the kitchen staring daggers at that cookie jar, reveling in how unfair the situation was. I could still smell the cookies, and still had the taste of peanut butter and chocolate in my mouth.
Suddenly, it hit me like a Mac truck hits a sleeping armadillo, this is what I had been scheming for! This was my crime of the century! Well… at least crime of the day… let’s be real here.
I ran back to my room digging through my catapult designs, ideas for a mind-control laser and blueprints of someone else’s house that I had found while playing outside one day. None of it seemed to help my cookie situation.
I snuck back towards the kitchen to do some reconnaissance. Crawling, army-style on my belly, I crept down the hallway, listening intently for any adults. No one was about. I stood up and wandered towards the kitchen counter, realizing that I was far shorter than it was and the cookie jar was all the way back on the counter near the wall.nMy thoughts turned to the kitchen chairs, which could be drug over, but I needed to determine where my mom was first, in case the noise would alert her.
I found my mom in the living room folding clothing. I nonchalantly wandered in, “Hi mom, you don’t have any reason to go to the kitchen anytime soon do you?”
My mother’s eyes narrowed, “Why?”
“No reason,” I said as I darted away, congratulating myself on not making her suspicious at all.
About the Author:
Allison Hawn was born in Idaho and has spent her life obtaining adventures. The daughter of a musician, she was
brought up all over the United States with occasional dalliances into foreign lands. She holds a degree in psychology from Northwest Nazarene University in Nampa, Idaho, where she also had a weekly humor column with a small time newspaper "The Crusader." She is also the author of two collections of short, bizarre, humorous stories titled "Life is a
Circus Run by a Platypus" and "Life is a Pirate Ship Run by a Velociraptor." She currently resides in Spokane, Washington, where she works with the homeless, domestic violence victims, and other disenfranchised populations as a case manager, but calls a myriad of locations home.
Read her thoughts on her website: http://circusplatypus.blogspot.com/
Find the book on Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/Life-Roller-Derby-Run-Sphinx-ebook/dp/B01KYZNDHC
Connect on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/platypusringmaster
Tweet at her: https://twitter.com/AllisonHawn